Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
