dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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