We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
