Just took my morning after pill in the library
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
