you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
