Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
