My Higher Power is John Stamos
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
