On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
