my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
