He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
