for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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