just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
