So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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