Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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