in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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