my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you didnt know i had herpes?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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