Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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