It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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