you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
