Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
