I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize