I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
