I could have mohawked her pubes.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
