Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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