Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
