forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
