Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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