I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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