capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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