you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
