If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
