Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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