I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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