Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
