What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
