I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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