he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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