I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
