yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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