I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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