he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
