cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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