sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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