May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize