i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
