I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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