Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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