I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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