oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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