i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
