You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
