I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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