That's intense
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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