I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
