I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
