im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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