dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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