I think I won the penis lottery.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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