Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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