he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
