for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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